I may have an answer to my own question. Time may not heal all wounds but it surely helps. As I was reading through my last posts, I realized I have grown slightly more comfortable with myself now and adjusted much better than in May. What I posted about that "most recent loser" made me laugh because I cannot remember exactly who it is! I have a couple ideas, but unless I did some investigating, I really don't know! That makes me so incredibly joyful because I have always been a believer that something that upsets us and seems like such a BIG deal, will soon barely be a recollection. That rationale has gotten me through a lot these passed three months.
Speaking of time that has passed, it has been three months since my last post. Here is where the rest of my 21st year of skepticism has led me..
Guanajuato, Mexico! I was curious to see what being a Language Learner was like and ohhhh did I learn :) That was probably the most fun but frustrating experiences of my life!! I met yet another charming young man who carried my purse for me everywhere, what the heck, I know. And when it started raining, he carried my pink and orange umbrella to keep it dry. Best part, he had the same girlfriend for 6 years AAANNNNNDDD, drumroll please... he didn't speak English. We literally passed my phone back and forth using google translate. He still tries to talk to me. Oh, and somehow he is coming to Arizona in December for school. What a coincidence..
Valdez, Alaska! My dad took me and my sisters to participate in the Women's Silver Salmon Fishing Derby! Of course we rocked it and all placed top 50 out of 650-something :)
Back to school! I am now in three clubs. Geology club, it sounds fun but somehow I got roped into being the secretary and senator. Math club, such nerds, but they are so fun! And of course, Future Educator's Club for which I am one of the presidents! It is starting off to be a good year but normal is not the norm around here.
I met someone. We will call him Mr. Forestry. He is in one of my classes and super nice. So obviously I'm skeptical.
Started studying the bible, I love Jesus but I am just not completely sure exactly what I believe yet.
Oh and I'm coming up on my birthday. We might have to change this blog to 21 years of skepticism and counting..
Friday, August 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Is this a joke?
Well I think I am getting stood up. Most recent loser, who was recently biting my face off not only 48 hours ago is now ignoring me. While I know I deserve better, I can't help but be offended. Guys, if you want a girl to obsessively think about you, confuse her by leading her on and then don't talk to her, it works! But really, don't do that. Won't give you a good reputation, if you care.
Well now...
What to do?
I think Modest Mouse was trying to tell me to float on, so I will. But now I have to put on a smile, show up where we were both supposed to be, and not let it bother me. Not pretend it doesn't bother me, but just let it go.
Of course, they always come back right when you start to complain!!!
You think after 21 years I'd have a little more idea of what to do. Well remember that inner part? I guess I'll go with it this time. Let's be responsible and do homework. Yes ma'am.
Well now...
What to do?
I think Modest Mouse was trying to tell me to float on, so I will. But now I have to put on a smile, show up where we were both supposed to be, and not let it bother me. Not pretend it doesn't bother me, but just let it go.
Of course, they always come back right when you start to complain!!!
You think after 21 years I'd have a little more idea of what to do. Well remember that inner part? I guess I'll go with it this time. Let's be responsible and do homework. Yes ma'am.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Is this a bad time?
Where did time go?
I feel like life is moving a million miles an hour just like everyone warned me it would. I don't know how to slow it down. Whenever I think I have a second to myself, I am once again proved wrong by my damn college email that's like, "Hey, I know you want to relax and all, but you have shit to do." All of a sudden I get another year older and I feel completely unprepared for the responsibilities that begin to unfold themselves in front of me and build like like the friggen Great Wall of China and it seems like I have forgotten all the advice everyone had ever given me when they figured out how to get to the other side of the wall.
Can't one thing happen at a time?
Being a young woman, I am obviously always thinking about when the right person is going to come along. Right when I find one, three come along. Like why, why, why. This this the ultimate test trying to decide between them. The usual candidates are someone who has their shit together, parents would love them, but they are just so different from me and I feel like I just sit there and listen to them bitch and bitch about things I have no interest in. No thank you. Or.. there is the one I always seem to want to fall for. The slacker who you think you can change into the next Oprah to save the world but then I realize, this is why I don't want to be a mom, I don't want to babysit all of the time but they are always the sweetest ones. You never doubt that they like you. Then, there is the occasional person who is trying to figure life out like I am and seems to appreciate me for who I am and realizes how hard I work and how much I really care about things that could possible have a great impact on the world one day but then they work on the other side of the country and/or I realize I have no time to pay attention to them.
How the hell do relationships work?
I can never relax and I never have time to relax. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. Who the hell has the time to do everything they need to do, keep in touch with everyone who cares about them and THEN have time for themselves. That leads me to my next question...
How dangerous are Sugar Daddy websites?
Just kidding.. kind of.
My body seems to know what's up though.. It always wakes up when I have to do something. It's just me who chooses to go back to sleep. Sometimes I feel like there is something inside of me that already knows the path I'm supposed to be going on as well as what turns I am supposed to take or avoid, it's just me who is trying to keep up with it and not question it. There is a part of me who is fearless, confident, and responsible but that part of myself scares me. I wish sometimes I little more faith in it. I obviously think a little too much.
Biggest question of all..
When do I start to figure these things out?
I feel so fascinated with people who are older than me until I figure out most of them are just as confused as I am. The things we learn as kids seem to never be relevant when we are older. They are just ways to keep kids from annoying us. I can't even count how many times I've told my students to stay on task but I go home and find myself doing the exact same things I yell at them for.
This life just seems so complicated to me and I feel like I am falling behind. I often wonder why people plan to have children... because sometimes I wouldn't want to voluntarily put someone through the struggles of surviving this life. It really hurts sometimes. Other times it is beautiful but I feel like I am working so hard for I don't even know what that I don't get to enjoy anything that comes for free like a sunset or a sunrise. Which reverts me back to the biggest question of all.
I feel like life is moving a million miles an hour just like everyone warned me it would. I don't know how to slow it down. Whenever I think I have a second to myself, I am once again proved wrong by my damn college email that's like, "Hey, I know you want to relax and all, but you have shit to do." All of a sudden I get another year older and I feel completely unprepared for the responsibilities that begin to unfold themselves in front of me and build like like the friggen Great Wall of China and it seems like I have forgotten all the advice everyone had ever given me when they figured out how to get to the other side of the wall.
Can't one thing happen at a time?
Being a young woman, I am obviously always thinking about when the right person is going to come along. Right when I find one, three come along. Like why, why, why. This this the ultimate test trying to decide between them. The usual candidates are someone who has their shit together, parents would love them, but they are just so different from me and I feel like I just sit there and listen to them bitch and bitch about things I have no interest in. No thank you. Or.. there is the one I always seem to want to fall for. The slacker who you think you can change into the next Oprah to save the world but then I realize, this is why I don't want to be a mom, I don't want to babysit all of the time but they are always the sweetest ones. You never doubt that they like you. Then, there is the occasional person who is trying to figure life out like I am and seems to appreciate me for who I am and realizes how hard I work and how much I really care about things that could possible have a great impact on the world one day but then they work on the other side of the country and/or I realize I have no time to pay attention to them.
How the hell do relationships work?
I can never relax and I never have time to relax. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. Who the hell has the time to do everything they need to do, keep in touch with everyone who cares about them and THEN have time for themselves. That leads me to my next question...
How dangerous are Sugar Daddy websites?
Just kidding.. kind of.
My body seems to know what's up though.. It always wakes up when I have to do something. It's just me who chooses to go back to sleep. Sometimes I feel like there is something inside of me that already knows the path I'm supposed to be going on as well as what turns I am supposed to take or avoid, it's just me who is trying to keep up with it and not question it. There is a part of me who is fearless, confident, and responsible but that part of myself scares me. I wish sometimes I little more faith in it. I obviously think a little too much.
Biggest question of all..
When do I start to figure these things out?
I feel so fascinated with people who are older than me until I figure out most of them are just as confused as I am. The things we learn as kids seem to never be relevant when we are older. They are just ways to keep kids from annoying us. I can't even count how many times I've told my students to stay on task but I go home and find myself doing the exact same things I yell at them for.
This life just seems so complicated to me and I feel like I am falling behind. I often wonder why people plan to have children... because sometimes I wouldn't want to voluntarily put someone through the struggles of surviving this life. It really hurts sometimes. Other times it is beautiful but I feel like I am working so hard for I don't even know what that I don't get to enjoy anything that comes for free like a sunset or a sunrise. Which reverts me back to the biggest question of all.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Why me?
There are some questions I ask myself every day..
Number one: Where is the bathroom?? I have an overactive bladder of some sort. Lately, I have a growing list of my favorite bathrooms, it is kind of embarrassing. This question definitely deserves two question marks because of the frequency I wonder it and sense of urgency I ask myself in.
Number two: How did I get here? I have a hard time believing that I have actually been alive for 21 years. I still think I am 18 all of the time. But it all comes back to me when I want to go to the bar and legally am allowed to.. Then I am super proud that the bouncers half way believes I am 21. Hopefully that ends soon because I feel like it could be a potential cradle robber catastrophe, (kind of already is?).
Number three: Why am I awake? For some reason, I think that my best work is done when I am exhausted.. It's not. I stay up til the wee hours of the morning not doing my homework but usually doing something related to thinking about how I should do my homework because that is a much better solution than actually doing it. On my way home, every single day, I am always like, yeah! Going to do some homework and get ahead of the game!! Then I can probably go to sleep without worries one night! Do I follow through, nope. But at least it is always on my mind. Like right now for example, I am supposed to be doing homework, but instead, I am writing about it. In the heat of the moment, I deactivated my Facebook account. Along with all of my BS apps like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Tinder.
I guess the next step is to go to sleep??
Number one: Where is the bathroom?? I have an overactive bladder of some sort. Lately, I have a growing list of my favorite bathrooms, it is kind of embarrassing. This question definitely deserves two question marks because of the frequency I wonder it and sense of urgency I ask myself in.
Number two: How did I get here? I have a hard time believing that I have actually been alive for 21 years. I still think I am 18 all of the time. But it all comes back to me when I want to go to the bar and legally am allowed to.. Then I am super proud that the bouncers half way believes I am 21. Hopefully that ends soon because I feel like it could be a potential cradle robber catastrophe, (kind of already is?).
Number three: Why am I awake? For some reason, I think that my best work is done when I am exhausted.. It's not. I stay up til the wee hours of the morning not doing my homework but usually doing something related to thinking about how I should do my homework because that is a much better solution than actually doing it. On my way home, every single day, I am always like, yeah! Going to do some homework and get ahead of the game!! Then I can probably go to sleep without worries one night! Do I follow through, nope. But at least it is always on my mind. Like right now for example, I am supposed to be doing homework, but instead, I am writing about it. In the heat of the moment, I deactivated my Facebook account. Along with all of my BS apps like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Tinder.
I guess the next step is to go to sleep??
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